Make Sure Boss Smoking Area is Safe..

Safety at workplace will cover all type of incidences. Safety come first. Well, it is the same anyway if you think about it. Just that one is slow the other is immediate. So bootlickers advice, don't stand at "ledge" and quit smoking. Bootlickers support live longer policy!

Identifying bootlickers

Situation:
The Group CEO just announced the quantum of the bonus payout this year for last year performance. For the MRs - meet requirement (level three), it'll be 2.5 months. For the Excellent performers (level four) it'll be something like 3.75 months. And for the Outstanding performers (level five) it's going to be 5 months. No announcement for level one and two, no bonus I believe (they don't licked enough last year).

Under normal circumstances:
When the individual rating for last year performance is still not made known to the staff, they usually will start calculating the MR-level of bonus, which is 2.5 months. That's normal. And it sounds logic, safe and achievable, under normal circumstances.

However:
You'll find certain people who will start talking about getting level four or even level five, confidently. Level three bonus payout is never in their dictionary.

And most of the time:
These are the BOOTLICKERS!


BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Bootlicker's performance rating

It's appraisal time. An all-year round above-par performance wouldn't assure an above-average rating and year-end incentive/bonus and salary increment. More so, if bell curve is applied in the appraisal system, when more often than not you'll see the same person will occupy the right tail of the bell curve.

In cases when you have two persons, one a bootlicker and the other is not, having almost similar performance rating but with only one slot for above-average incentives, the bootlicker will prevail.

And one of the elements that qualify a bootlicker for an above-par performance for last year, was the willingness an ability to scratch boss' back, top or bottom (glove is not allowed)... :-)

"Helo Bos" by Dee (Utusan Malaysia, 25 Feb 2008)

When bootlicker quits

Quitting a current job is the last thing a bootlicker would do. Quitting will only be sensible when the current boss quits and the incoming boss is unlickable. However, sometimes bootlickers may find licking tastier elsewhere.

When the opportunity comes, bootlickers may find out how to call it the day to the boss. Most of the times, bootlickers will find it very difficult to do so. Even the boss will find it difficult to swallow the fact that his/her best licker is leaving. And to find a replacement licker isn't easy, either.

Bootlickers should try to smoothen the process by telling the boss that the resignation has nothing to do with the boss, it's just another opportunity you can't let go. And most importantly, bootlickers should say,

"Boss, if I have chance, I love to work with you (read: lick you) again in the future, in this company or elsewhere."

Choi!!!

What Happenes When The Boss Is Not Around?

Have you licked enough?

Your colleagues may have the impression that you've done enough licking. But the final judgment is with your BOSS, whether you've licked him/her enough or you need to double up your licking activities and efforts.

You know when you haven't licked enough when this situation occurs...

BOSS: So, what's the target for 2008?
Bootlicker: I think the target is 655,000 subscribers.

BOSS: Are you sure?! That's almost double last year's achievement!! Have you challenged the target with the Sales team? Have they justified to you the basis of the target? Or is it just a P.O.O.M.A. number?!

For a bootlicker, when the word P.O.O.M.A. comes out from the BOSS' ass mouth, that's a sign you've not licked your BOSS enough.

So, when you hear P.O.O.M.A., continue licking and do it more!


==
P.O.O.M.A. = Pluck Out Of My Ass

Monkey Talk..

Reminder

A signage I found at General Hospital Tuanku Afzan Kuantan to remind doctors and nurses, which is applicable to PMO AGMs as well...

CEGAH KECEDERAAN `EMOSI'!!!

Amalkan carakerja selamat dengan mengelakkan diri dari kena `sabo' dan`kon tum tam'...

Nothing is impossibootlicking

Peribahasa melayu:
Berat sama dipikul. Ringan sama dijinjing.

"Helo Bos" oleh Dee (Utusan Malaysia, 7 Feb 2008)

Peribahasa pengampu (bootlicker):
Berat barang-barang boss sanggup ku pikul.
Inikan pula ringan kasut boss, sanggup ku jinjing.

In the life of a bootlicker, nothing is impossible.... for the BOSS!

It is a Balancing Act for 2-in-1!

Yes, boss. Ok, boss. No problem, boss. Very good indeed, boss. Sure, boss. Done, boss. All these phrases and many more sounds positive. But it must be said with a specific enthusiasm, with the right body language to get your message through. What message? You either want it to be sounded as if it comes from a real bootlicker or someone who is just playing safe to get everything done with whatever means and don't want to waste time so much sitting down talking and polishing which is called -the balancing act! Jobs get done alright! Normally these people will stand close to the exit and eager to walk out the door anytime. The door, not the window! So bear with the mood, sometime, you can have the choice because what you really need to do is to balance your acts because you have been gifted to be 2-in-1!

Rebranding - "Carry Balls"

Many many years ago I used to hear the words "carry balls" which have similar meanings to the topic that we are discussing now. It had a more vulgar sound and without doubt you would have known how ugly the words are if you can picture someone actually is holding some other one's balls! Maybe the use of the words is still at large but confined to specific culture or age and once you are caught carrying someone's ball then, you will be befriended and will talk and laugh in isolation!

Pity? It was a small world then, the words were locally invented and new comers immediately can sensed what the words meant. However, now we are in this borderless world, rebranding the words is neccessary. Yes, the words have changed but the acts lives on! Long live the bootlickers!

Licking the love wound

Situation:

You had fallen in love with a guy who works in the same workplace/building. Almost everyone who knows you and the guy, knows about the love story. Obviously, your colleagues and his colleagues know about the love story, too.

Then, you and the guy broke up. You sent out an email to almost everyone in your contact lists inferring something bad about the guy. Emails got forwarded to almost everyone. Almost everyone who knows you and the guy, knows about the break up story. Obviously, your colleagues and his colleagues know about the break up story, too.

Later, someone close to you replied your email and copied everyone in the 'To:' list asking you, "Do you need to tell the whole world about it? (read: you're silly, grow up!)"

One day, you bumped into your ex's colleague in the elevator. Embarassed with your foolish 'email act', what would you do (to cover up)?


Solution:

Pretend nothing happened.
Pretend you're as joyous as ever.
Greet your ex's colleague cheerfully and loudly.
And say, "Hi your ex's colleague's name!!! Haven't seen you around for a while. We've got so many things to catch up." Eventhough there's nothing to catch up.

Trust me, it saves your balls boobs!

You are the bootlicker!

How many kilos boss you want? 1 Kilo or 2 Kilos? What time you go back boss? I will have it packed for you and check in for you at the airport. Money?...Never mind boss, small matter. Next time lah boss!

There can be two views about the above conversation.

He is in need of a favour in return for his "kindness". What is a kilo or two if you can something for life! And the other services too is nothing compare to the favour in return. And being bosses you can understand what his/her body languages is trying to signal. Surely you can distinguished between genuine and morkery.

However, the other view, a person can be really appreciating for the services that you have delivered and very grateful indeed that he will say thank you in many ways including giving. Even if the giving is over and above the normal!

So be in a position to choose who you prefer to be from both senarios above.

But to the eyes of the many, you are still, the bootlicker!

Bootlicking 101

If you're a woman.
And your boss is a man.
Pay attention to this quote...

* Quote taken from the book, "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" by Margaret Kent

My personal view: Male boss expects his female subordinates to treat him the way his wife is treating him. Offer him a cup of coffee, praise him for the clothes he wears, ask him what is he having for lunch and say "bye, take care" to him before you leave the office :-)